Monday, June 13, 2011

Trying to find a way to say Goodbye!

It has been  such a rough 2 weeks. We ended up going down to Evansville on Memorial Day to see my dad... and say our goodbyes. It was really hard because he looked so old and weak, almost like death already.  He couldn't speak but did open he eyes and moan and acknowledged our voice.  I wasn't sure if i wanted to go but,  like they said, I would have regrets either way. I was glad I got one last chance to say goodbye. I would do anything for one more tho..
He died early in the morning on June 2.   Kim was with him and said he went peacefully 'home'.  I worked the rest of the week to stay occupied.

The showing was June 5 and funeral June 6. The showing ran on forever. There was a two hour wait in line to get in the funeral home! It was crazy to see how many friends my dad had.   He touched so many lives in the short time he had!

My dad was diagnosed 4 years ago with prostate cancer and was in its final stage for quite some time.  I didn’t want to believe this disease would really kill him.  I was naive thinking he could beat it.  It didn’t seem real because most of the time he was healthy and active. 

 I never really knew my father.  I lived 7 years of my life with him but childhood memories have faded and I only know the man I met 2 years ago.  He seems to be a very hard working  good man living life by god’s rules.  His family loves him, and his wife adores him.  He has left a mark on a lot of people in his town and I am amazed by the messages I receive from people who knew him when I was his.  I just wish I could remember the proud eyes of my father’s as I took my first step or as I got onto the bus for my first day of school.  I wish I could remember his loving hug as he rocked me to sleep or as he handed me off to the surgeon.  I can never get those memories back.  I only have a handful of pictures and a few pages of stories.
I only know the man I met 2 years ago.  He welcomed me to his family as if no time had passed.  His family was accepting and loving.  I got the one memory no one else can ever have and I will cherish it forever.  My dad walked me down the aisle to marry the love of my life. 
Now its time to say goodbye to him.  He told me before leaving to remember that we have a relationship now that no one can ever take from us again.  He left too soon but I cherish the time I was given.  I will continue to cherish the extended family he left behind. 

I was blown away by the love and support of family. I thought this was going to be one of the hardest weekends of my life.  It was hard but I never expected the warmth and togetherness I felt. All of us kids spent this time to talk about whatever and supported each other though this sad time. I have never had a full conversation with Anthony but on this visit I had several!  I felt sisterly love from Lia and held her while we cried together. Molly and Travis made us feel especially welcome with their talk of wanting us to live in Evansville.
It makes me feel so loved.  I always felt accepted but now I feel really part of my extended family.  I never got it until now... blood family is born in the womb, but 'adopted' family is defiantly born in the heart and that makes it that much more special!  Thanks for making it such a memorable visit... 

~*~*We laughed until we had to cry, we loved right down to our last goodbye, but over the years we'll smile and recall, for just one moment - we had it all!*~*~

Rest in Heaven, Dad!          February 7, 1954-June 2, 2011

1 comment:

  1. dear whatever person you have become. i remem ber very much of the first part of your life, dad didnt do any of that you are living in a dream world i was 4 able to remember it all it was mom and her dad taking you to every doctors appointment out of stare, i remember beccause i couldnt never understand why mom was gone only with you all the time. dad was always workig hard at one point in thier marrige he moved to indianapolis to get an apartment to work for evansville bolt and nut. grandma in evansville always watched us while my parents were busy working too make money to take us to disney land 2 times a year just so he could send me you and mom out to the parks while he sat in the room most of the vacation working. dont you get get get it he WAS NOT THERE he was at work by the time we got on the bus it was mom that attended my basketball and volleyball games cause he had to work late, so he hardley was even there to put us to bed,i think you want to fit in since your different, you have always tried to fit in. i took care of you also and made sur in school no one picked on you, dad never sent us anything after he kicked us out . do u not recall all you stuff in trash bags sitting in the driveway donna put out there with a huge jar of mayo and a book that title was dwarfts live in small houses, or u remember all our memories on vhs that she pitched in the trash if dad really loved none of that would have happened you wanted to go live with mom u didnt want to live with my father,blood ot in the heart doesnt matter appparently. in fact i was daddys little girl he had to keep me all the many what 16 surgerys you had? while MOM was cyring her eyes out each time you were in surgery my father was home letting me be his little helper not a care in the world about u. i was always with dad till me and donna got in a fight, then i left to come live with our mom. i was old enough to remember i have all the pictures that he gave to me before u just showed up knowing he was dyingwith you hands out playing fake for everyone to get what money he had when he died. how unfair is that.i remember dad and mom came to visit me at camp i went to cause they missed me so dad loved me but was blinded by the manipulative money hungry women in his life. your real father is in jail for the rest of his life maybe you need to go visit him and begin a bond with him,learn about your roots of where you came from. you have left everyone out including your grandparents who are blown away how you have treated everyone. MOM was there, when you needed anything dad at work,i was there to witness it all have the pixs it was always me and my father in the pix,so you should find yourself. i'd definately quit your job cynthia romance something or another and selling sex toys and saying your interested in women. i may have danced, but i put myself through school just took state test for nursing and where are you in the slums dreaming of the life you wished you could have. i do not know you any more either. im the one that said my daughter couldnt go to your wedding. why should i you have never made effort to see her cute little brother. im glad my fther walked you down the isle to bad he just..... really wasnt your real dad......